Raw Bars: The Ron Puke Revolution

At a friend’s apartment recently, we were offered to sample a new product. Someone’s aunt (the crazy hippie aunt everyone seems to have) had sent them a box of raw food bars to try out. You know it’s going to be good when someone offers you food with a disclaimer along the lines of “do you want any of this before I throw it out.” Review and modern sculpture after the jump.

The product involved here was Raw Revelation’s line of Organic Live Food Bars. I’m guessing it’s trying to cash in on the raw food craze of minimally processed food being healthier for you. If you check out the nutritional info on their website you can see that these medium sized bars pack a punch of vitamins- along with plenty of calories and a large chunk of your daily fat and saturated fat. Which I guess is okay if you’re just eating ruffage and fruit with them, but not okay if you’re a normal person thinking you’re getting a nutritional snack. Let’s just stop to think about the fats and oils in these things for a second:

Look at the oils making that bar shiny. All of the flavors felt and looked like they had been dipped in vegetable oil, and they left a colored oil slick on the table and our hands just by touching them. It was unappealing to say the least, but at least not as much of a turnoff as the flavor. We tried out four varieties, and the only passable one was the Chocolate & Coconut flavor that managed to pull off a taste of gritty sweetened coconut, and only topped the charts with 25% of your daily saturated fat and 26% of your overall fat. I guess even with raw food, the old cooking adage of fat=flavor holds true.

The other bars ranged from bad to really awful. Of several that promised chocolate flavor, none delivered. It was muted and drowned out by the oil slick on the outside that turned paper towels clear. By far the worst was the Spirulina & Chasew, which was in the same ballpark as super sweet nori (sushi wrap) and came in the most (un)appetizing shade of green. Fishy and ultra sweet is a flavor left unexplored by most people, unless of course you happen to be Japanese. The real deal breaker was the texture of chewy, tacky, and greasy. No one wanted any of this play-dough food, so we tried to think up new uses that wouldn’t waste it:

It’s really perfect to make a Gumbi like creature that stays how you pose him.

This Gumbi also needs a stone henge to worship the Raw gods at. Note that the bare stuck together really well could support themselves vertically through oil-table adhesion. What else can I stick together?

Patching my bike tire would be okay.

So would creating reusable table setting pieces.

And don’t forget this clay food makes a really great Ipod dock.

Final Say: This stuff tastes and feels like ground Exxon Valdez cleanup, has a similar oil content, but makes a fun toy to play with if you miss your pre-school sculpting days.

Grade: F (Though I wouldn’t mind people in the comments grading my art).

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